I was amazed that many of the participants who do not want to identify with us Loonies are people we do not want to identify either because they exhibit traits that we abhor.

One of my foursomes who was a very influential and powerful person on earth exhibited such a bizarre attitude.  He started getting angry with his caddy (caddies are allowed in Loon) every time he makes an errant shot. For the life of me I couldn’t understand such behavior considering that the caddy does not make the shots for him and will only give him advise if asked. The other guy in my foursome is a young successful businessman in his late 30s. I can see how he cheats by subtracting 1 stroke in every hole. And still another one that keeps on improving the lie of his ball on each shot that he makes.

These guys will not pass the immigration officer of Loon if they would want to migrate because their attitude is a threat to Loon’s moral standards.

I think these people are so crazed that they didn’t realize that they were cheating themselves instead not me. As far as I am concerned I won the game even if they took the trophy.

Golf is a reflection of the life we live. We will know the kind of person one is by the way he plays golf.

Loon Tribune

Central Observatory, Loon –  Reports gathered from Pakistani army’s headquarters avers that the Taliban have fled the Pakistani army’s advance on the main town of Mingora in the Swat Valley.

The Taliban fighters who were once prominent residents of loon but had suffered from the RTR (relapse-to-reality) syndrome and never placed in Loon’s rehab center, had dug themselves into bunkers built into hotels and government buildings in Mingora, and initially offered stiff resistance as troops first closed roads leading to the town then began moving in earlier this week, army spokesman Maj. Gen. Athar Abbas said.

Aid was being distributed to some of the estimated 20,000 who were trapped in Mingora, and water and gas supplies were being restored. But Abbas said it would be at least two weeks before power is switched back on, and refugees were not yet being encouraged to start returning to their homes.

About 3 million people have fled the fighting in Swat, and the exodus has raised fears of a humanitarian crisis.

Loon president (name withheld for security reasons) strongly condemned the conflict and expressed hope that “one day the combatants would realize that conflicts can be avoided by submitting themselves to the care of specialists of Loon’s Rehab Center.”

“Eventually becoming a resident of Loon is the only way peace can be attained”, he added.

Loon Tribune

Central Observatory, Loon – North Korea’s president, Kim Jong Il, was put  notice  by U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates that the United States would not stand idly by “as North Korea builds the capability to wreak destruction on any target in Asia — or on us,”

Kim Jong Il is a strong candidate for immigration to LoonWorld and sympathizers have expressed the view that his current war-freak attitude is a strong indication that he is stepping closer to his commitment to the ideals of Loon. Many believe that his immigration will change his personality into a happy & carefree one.

Gates offered no specifics on how the U.S. might respond to North Korea, militarily or otherwise, and has said there are no current plans to deploy more U.S. forces to the region.

Gates and U.S. officials have been prodded by Loonies to immigrate to Loon as well so that peace and harmony can advance on Earth.

Loon Tribune

LRC, Loon – Two prominent Loonies were recently admitted to the Loon Rehab Center for having shoen symptoms of the dreaded S1f1 virus that causes RTR (relapse to reality syndrome). Hayden, a witch doctor and Katrina, a recent qualifier to Loon’s new tv show, Not Able, were seen entering the facility at 7 o’clock in the morning accompanied by their yaya’s.

The pair was committed to the rehab facility after authorities were alerted of video interviews where they admitted that they did a sex act that Earthlings do illicitly. Medical Chief, Frank Enstein said “it is prima facie evidence that the celebrity duo may have relapsed into reality” and had to be detoxified.

Hayden and Katrina had been long time immigrants from Earth and had received numerous national awards for their outstanding Loonie achievements.

Loon Tribune

First Posted 10:36:24 05/23/2009

Cloud9, Loon – American Idol judges Randy, Kara, Paula & Simon were labeled as “incompetent & inept” after a worldwide survey revealed that 100% of the respondents felt the popular TV show purposely eliminated extremely talented people from the auditions because of their bias for contestants who eventually made it to the final 12.

Loon’s president himself made the accusation in a Loonwide press conference and said that “all the more this survey has given me firm resolve to launch our own version in January to show Earth our objectivity.”

Massive protests earlier erupted after Kris Allen won over Adam Lambert in the show’s finale.

In the same occasion, he took the opportunity to announce that the immigration applications of the four were denied because “they had been determined to have contracted the S1F1 virus that causes that the relapse to reality (RTR) syndrome as exhibited by them during the interview process”.

Below are two loon favorites that have missed their opportunity to shine.

Loon Tribune

First Posted 15:44:00 05/22/2009

Jeckell Park, Loon – Loon Pres. (name still withheld) today announced a donation of £$500 trillion to help the Earth survive their current economic global crisis.

In an open air press conference the president said he came to that decision after analyzing the Earth’s resources. He says that “given their leaders and people, it is impossible to achieve any sustainable change and bring back economic growth and progress”.

He added that “the donation is only a small part of the Earth’s solution and what is really needed is a global change in Earthlings’ perspective that will make them realize that the only road map that can be taken is to follow Loon’s model that had proven to be effective in the history of the universe”.

The donation will be handed through the Secretary General of the United Nations of the Earth, Mr. Ban Ki-moon during the inauguration of Loon’s megaproject, Bridge To Nowhere, that is scheduled to be finished this month.

The President has invited all the Earth’s heads of state to accompany the secretary general so they can personally get their share of the donation which shall be given in cash.

Asked about how the president expects to be at Loon all at the same time, he said that “it can easily be done by demonstrating to their constituents their true understanding of Loon’s spiritual & moral lifestyle.

By Tatiana dela Rocha, entertainment correspondent

Loon Tribune

First Posted 10:44:00 05/21/2009

Wailing Wall, Loon – The popularity of the Earth’s popular TV show American Idol has gone universal.

The planet now is literally humming as residents enthused by the show started to simultaneously sing tunes previously unheard of.

It seems that their creativity was suddenly awakened and had inspired them to make Earthly songs and sounds their own, giving birth to the new music genre dubbed as “Loonie Tunes”.

Loon President (name still withheld for security reasons) declared a similar contest will be planned in the near future for the Loonies with the winner getting a deal from Psychiatric Recording Company, the latest Loontop™ model, and a new chip on the shoulder.

Current American judges Simon, Paula, Kara & Randy who have expressed interest in the planned TV show may not be able to qualify because they are not permanent residents yet.

Their immigration applications are still being evaluated by the Commission on Immigration. According to Immigration Commissioner X. Sighl, the four have yet to prove that they can adapt to the serenity of Loon’s culture.

Tentatively titled “Not Able” the show is expected to premiere in January 2010.

Loon Tribune

First Posted 10:36:00  05/20/2009

Isolation Chamber, Loon – Loon President (name withheld for security reasons) today accused Barak Obama as “the biggest threat to earthly peace”.

In his welcome address at the dinner hosted by the Loon Travel agency for new immigrants from Earth that had recently been granted permanent residency status, he said that Obama’s health care program for Americans will expose Earthlings to the RTR virus that will trigger exponential growth in relapse rate.

He added that as a consequence, “Americans will be more in conflict with the international community and even among themselves as soon as reality sets in. Violence and unimaginable destruction will escalate,”

He appealed to the United Laboratories impose sanctions against America. He proposed that medical downers be withdrawn immediately and covertly replace these with medical uppers.

As of press time, the Washington could not be reached for comment.

Loon Tribune
First Posted 11:18:00  05/19/2009

Milky Way – Loon security announced Wednesday they had seized a 3.2-ton shipment of illegal substances that could cause a Relapse To Reality (RTR) syndrome in the lunar port of Cerebellum in the western hemisphere during an operation conducted with the Loon Intelligence Group (LIG).

The shipment was uncovered in a warehouse at the northern port and was ready to be shipped out to Loon, security chief Paolo Escobar told reporters.

The drugs, worth some L$98 million, according to police, had belonged to highly wanted Earthling drug trafficker Wyett Pfizer.

Earth produces some 600 tons of illegal substances annually, or more than 60 percent of galaxy’s total production, according to the United Stars of Benetton.

By Cuckoo Nut, Security Correspondent
Loon Tribune
First Posted 01:54:00  05/18/2009

Seclusion Ward—The Loon-flagged shuttle with its crew of 23 Loon psychonauts that was hijacked in Galactica last November and recently released by their hijackers ran out of ideas on their passage out, it was learned Friday.

Thankfully, the presence of galaxial coalition against morons was in the area to help SS Dreamer strength out of its predicament, Transportation Minister Anne Thrax said in a statement.

First, the Martian Special Conceptors in the area moved quickly to refuel the drifting ship, enabling it to reach the port of Stardust in Supernova under its own power on April 28 (Loon time).

In behalf of the Loon government, Thrax thus thanked the Martians for this action. She also thanked the Valium Center for its concept that escorted the ship and its crew until it reached safe wards, and the Downer Maker for providing them with first-aid medicines.

The Transport Minister assured the colleagues of the crew that the Loon government, through its Loon Universal Labor Office (POLO) in Mein Kampf, will assist the psychonauts and ensure their return to their loved ones in Loon as soon as possible.

As for the remaining Loon psychonauts still held hostage in Earth’s public institutions like the Parliaments, Congress, Government Ministries, Shopping Centers, etc., the Loon government is continuing all-out bilateral efforts to free them, in coordination with the host economies and the many shrinks engaged in securing a safe  passage from human reality to Loon’s unbelievable and amazing environs.

At any given time, an estimated 6,751,672,284 Loonies and Earthlings are in space.